Body Swap
by Roxannaaaax
Summary: Pre-S2E8. What happens when a bomb attack catches Ray and Alex in the explosion? They're trapped in each other's bodies! How will Ray cope with the flirting from Gene Hunt? And how will Alex...you know...go? And how will they solve crimes as each other?
1. The Bomb

In Alex's opinion, CID had never been quieter. Nothing could be heard but the faint sounds of Shaz's walkman, the rustle of Ray's magazines and the tapping of Chris' pen as he attempted to tap out the rhythm to a popular new song, failing miserably and earning a disgusted look from Ray. Alex sighed in frustration. They were all awaiting a phone call from one of their most informed scouts about a bomb that was due to go off anytime. Gene Hunt of course was pacing around his office, pissed off that he couldn't be doing anything sooner.

Alex sighed again. "So we're just going to sit here and wait?" she spoke at last. "When our informant could give us no time to get anywhere? We should be going through all our information…"

"Done that," Ray grunted. "Anyway, I'm busy. Reading. S'helping."

"I don't think reading about naked women is particularly helping this investigation, DS Carling," Alex said primly. "What we should be doing is –"

"Bolly, do you ever shut up?" Gene snapped, emerging from his office. "We – have – no – leads. Skyler said she'd phone when she's got the details of who is plannin' on blowin' my city to smithereens and where the bastard's plannin' to do it. Understood?"

Alex snorted. "And you trust Skyler? Guv, last week she fed us the wrong information about a robbery and we ended up staking out the wrong building all night – or has that slipped your memory?"

"Hardly," scoffed Gene, "you weren't the one trapped in a car with Raymondo for eight hours. That night in question is goin' ter remain a painful memory for years to come."

Ray started chuckling as he looked up from his magazine and Gene stalked back into his office. "I knew I shouldn't 'ave 'ad that chicken curry. 'Ey, you know why Ma'am's got a problem wi' Skyler, don't yer?" he laughed, nudging Chris who was grinning goofily.

"And why's that, Ray? Care to enlighten me?" Alex said sharply.

Ray smirked, reminding Alex of an infuriating child that just refused to be wrong. "No reason in particular…'cept the fact she's stunnin' wi' long blonde curls and a great pair-sonality…"

"And why would tarty Skyler May's looks be of any interest to me?"

"Cos you think the Guv's slippin' her one after –"

"Right thank you, Raymondo!" Gene shouted, slamming his door open again. "And when you've quite finished gossiping like a nancy poofter, you might want ter get yer arse in the Quattro!" Gene turned to Alex. "You too, Bolls. Skyler's called – Rothmore House, there's an 'uge party going on with your Pimm's-on-lawn-brigade. Group o' blokes known as Jackson's Army are settin' off a bomb in twenty minutes, protestin' about some shit to do with class. Tossers!"

"Well come on, let's go!" Alex gasped, scrambling to her feet with Chris and Ray following.

"Right behind you, Bolly!" Gene said, dashing after her with a perfect view of her arse. _Not the time, Gene_, he reminded himself, _plenty o' time to look at Bolly's privately-educated arse after you've caught the bastards! _

---------------------

Gene, Alex, Ray and Chris parked the Quattro a street away from the elaborate Rothmore House and ducked behind it, giving them a perfect view of the house, the party-guests and hopefully, when they arrived, Jackson's Army.

"Armed Response are on their way, Guv," Chris informed Gene as they peered over the top of the Quattro.

"Right, when I give my say-so, we go in after the nonces. Until then, we stay 'ere and wait for their little Lordships to make their appearances. Don't want to alert people for no soddin' reason, especially seeing as that Lord Fancypants from the boat party's 'ere. Don't need no commotion. Got it? Keep yer eyes peeled."

Ray squeezed himself between Alex and Chris, fidgeting as he attempted to stash his magazine.

"Ow!" Alex squealed as Ray elbowed her in the breast.

"Sorry Ma'am," Ray smirked.

"Fo God's sake, you're on police duty, not at a library!"

"Will you two shut up?" Gene snapped. "God, give me strength!"

"Gene, he hurt me!"

"Well hurt him back, you don't think twice when it concerns me! And Raymondo, get yer act together and don't shove Bolls."

"I di'int shove 'er, I elbowed 'er in the tit."

"Exactly, that is a blatant attack on my femininity, just to push me further away from the group!"

"Look, who the 'ell do you think I am, yer primary school teacher? I may expect this type of twattish be'aviour from Christopher but he's the only one at the moment acting like a real police officer!" Chris grinned smugly, once again earning a disgusted look from Ray. Gene looked thunderous. "Now shut your traps and start lookin' for these bastard Jackson twats! Bolly, come round 'ere away from this idiot."

Alex glared at Ray and wriggled around to the other side of Gene. The DS really was pissing her off today, she thought as she kept her gaze firmly on Rothmore House. Ten minutes later, Armed Response were in position and there was no sign of Jackson's Army or any bomb attacks.

"Something tells me your precious little Skyler May has got it wrong again, _Guv_," Alex sneered.

"Shut it, Bolls, before my gun accidentally goes off in your direction. Skyler ain't got it wrong; the bastards are just bidin' their time," Gene insisted.

"I don't know what you see in her anyway," Alex muttered.

"Is this really the time?" Chris squeaked bravely.

"See in 'er? Can't be jealous can yer, DI Sluttyknickers? I'm 'ardly screwing 'er, anyway," Gene said, completely ignoring Chris.

"Wish you were though, don't you?" Alex sniped back, provoking Ray and Chris to raise their eyebrows at each other.

"Aren't we meant to be catchin' these bastards?" Chris spoke up again.

"I think any bloke they don't 'ave Skyler May on their minds is a bloody poofter, Bolls," Gene continued, "but she's certainly got your fancy French knickers in a twist. Only met the bird a couple o' times and you're acting like a right moody cow."

"I am not!" Alex protested, turning round to face Gene as Ray got his magazine out again. "I just think you could do better. She's barely thirty and a right tart."

"Bit like you then," Ray mumbled, luckily inaudible to DI Drake.

"Don't go off on one, Bollyknickers, cos she don't come close to the bird I 'ave my eye on, Bolly," Gene said bluntly, just meeting her eyes, "little blonde tart's nothin' compared to a certain sexy –"

"_GUV!_" It was Armed Response.

"Right talk to me, you tossers!" Gene shouted.

"Seven blokes round the back of Rothmore House about to enter the marquee. Balaclavas and bomb equipment by the looks of it! About a hundred guests there, Guv, we got the all clear to go in?"

"_Go, go, go!_" Gene yelled. "Bolly, Chris, Raymondo, let's move!"


	2. A Strange Awakening

Alex shot up from behind the Quattro and began her run with the boys behind the huge house. Gene stormed ahead to get the people out of the area with Chris closely on his tail.

"Bolly, Raymondo, cuff the bastards!" he shouted, turning back briefly before kicking the door of the house down and running inside with Chris. Half of Armed Response followed and half made their way over the fence, into the garden and into the marquee.

"On it, Guv!" Ray shouted back, approaching the fence with Alex right behind him.

"Oh you are kidding me," Alex groaned.

"Come on, Ma'am!" Ray urged her, beginning to climb over.

"And how exactly do you propose I do that?" Alex barked, unsuccessfully trying to hitch herself up. She hated the weak woman role, but at the moment things weren't looking good.

"Oh bloody 'ell," Ray sighed, climbing back down, "women in the police force just isn't right. Ma'am, gimme yer foot. I'll give yer a leg up, but be bloody quick about it."

"You most certainly are not! Find me something to stand on."

"We ain't got till bloody next Christmas, there's a bomb about ter go off!"

"But you'll stare at my arse!"

"No I won't."

"You'll grope it."

"Only for five seconds then yer over, so bloody 'urry up!"

But as Alex's professional instincts kicked in and she went to approach Ray, it happened. There was a huge roar and an explosive light, blowing the fence into splinters and sending Ray flying backwards, Alex soaring and landing on top of him. Screams of panic echoed through their cloudy minds and then everything went black.

--------------------------------

Ray tried to open his eyes. His eyelids felt heavy as he tried to focus. All he could see was white. _Am I bloody dead? _He thought incredulously. As Ray's vision became less blurred, he realised that no, he was not dead, but merely in what appeared to be a hospital ward. He was strapped up with weird tubes and monitors and the room was empty. Sitting up, Ray realised that his hair was bobbing around his shoulders and in front of his forehead.

_What the…little nancy poofters messin' wi' my hair! _Ray thought angrily. But when he reached up to touch it, he got the shock of his life. Dancing between his fingers was loose, glossy brown curls. Ray smacked his hand back down and onto the bed forcefully, breathing heavily. What in the name of Jesus was going on? It was then that Ray realised has fingernails were painted a deep red colour.

_This is not happening. This is bloody not happening. Hallucinating. Dreamin'. That's it. _With a gulp, Ray realised that something else was wrong. Something major. Patting his smooth, slender shoulders, he traced his hands lower until he reached his worryingly ample chest. With a rough squeeze, he screamed out loud.

He had breasts.

He had bloody breasts.

"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Ray hollered, dashing out of bed and colliding into one of the doctors of the hospital.

"Ah, Miss Drake, we're glad to see you awake, but I must ask you to –"

"MISS DRAKE?" Ray thundered. "WHAT IN THE BLEEDIN' 'ELL?" It was then when Ray caught sight of himself in the hall mirror. But what he saw wasn't a big, tough, Northern copper in his forties with tiny permed curls. Reflected was his one and only DI, the sexy curves, dark curls and endless legs of Alex Drake.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Ray screamed, before promptly fainting at the doctor's feet.

------------------------

In only the next room, Alex awoke to the sounds of a woman shrieking the entire hospital down. Finally focusing, she too realised that she was in a hospital and therefore must have survived the explosion.

_Oh God, Gene's going to kill me…_ Alex thought, groaning. And this time, not only had she put herself in danger but also a fellow officer. It had only been 1982 for about three months and Alex had been in about three near-death experiences already.

It was only a matter of seconds before Alex realised that something wasn't right. She was bulkier, more muscular…what on Earth? Alex's hands caressed her face, ending up scratched with stubble. Her eyes widened in disbelief as she batted her flat chest and felt soft tufts hair on her head. _Tell me I'm not assimilating the fantasies of 'Freaky Friday'_, Alex thought, referring to that Lindsay Lohan film Molly loved_. _Fearing the worst, Alex gradually moved her hand down to her crotch and sure enough, there was an unfamiliar bulge.

"Can this dystopia get any worse?" she whispered in panic. It was then that she caught her faded reflection in the window. But she didn't see herself.

She saw DS Ray Carling.

"_Shit,_" Alex gasped, "_shit, shit, SHIT. _No! Help me, somebody please! I'm not myself! The explosion…anyone please, the explosion has caused some sort of body-swap on myself and –"

"Bloody hell, Raymondo, you're starting to sound as bonkers as Bolly!" Gene butted in, entering the room with the faint hints of a smile. "You all right then? Bolls is screaming 'er 'ead off, chattin' some shit as usual. Nurses won't let me in there, but by the looks o' things that bomb's done your 'ead in too."

"Gene, oh Gene!" Alex scrambled to her feet and clung to Gene, who looked positively petrified. "Something strange has happened, something absolutely and completely impossible…but then again I've gone back in time so anything can be possible in this world…"

"Oh Jesus Christ, someone get the men in white coats," Gene sneered, "number one, Raymondo, stop spoutin' nancy talk or I will personally see to it that you're locked up with the very best bunch o' loonies this city can find! And two –"

"Yes Gene?"

"Get the f*ck off me!"

------------------------

Gene was asked to leave the room as the doctors did some tests on Alex, or to their knowledge, 'DS Ray Carling'. Alex chose not to talk much. Not until she had figured out what was going on. Luckily, the doctors seemed to be putting her lack of speech down to shock.

_If I'm Ray, _Alex thought as the doctors continued to run checks, _then…oh my good God, PLEASE no. Ray…Ray must be me…oh bloody hell…_

"Um, excuse me?" Alex coughed, trying to get the hang of Ray's tough Manchester accent but only resulting in making him sound a bit gay. "May I see DS Ra – DI Alex Drake? She's my work colleague and we were in the bomb attack together…"

"In about thirty minutes," one of the doctors answered. "My name's Doctor Marsh, Sir. I'm afraid Miss Drake is very distressed, but it must have been a frightful experience."

"Distressed?" Alex panicked. "What do you mean?"

"Your DI screamed rather a lot, DS Carling. Seemed a bit confused."

"Put on a right little show for us though," one of the pervy-looking trainee doctors chuckled lecherously, elbowing a fellow trainee.

"A show?" Alex squeaked. _What is Carling doing to me?_

"Grabbing her tits like – 'these aren't mine, what the bloody hell's going on?'. Mind you, I thought they woz pretty natural, didn't look like the bird had had a boob job –"

"Now that is inappropriate," Doctor Marsh snapped.

"Sorry Sir," mumbled the pervy trainee.

Alex sunk back in her bed and groaned. She was going to kill Ray for this.


	3. You're Me!

Thirty agonising minutes later, Alex was allowed out of her ward to see Ray. She had been treated for minor burns and was allowed to go home, but Ray (as a distressed Alex) was being kept over night.

Luckily when Alex poked her head round the door to Ray's ward, he was in there alone. Alex's mouth literally dropped open when she came face to face with herself.

"Oh my GOD," she gasped out loud. Hearing the gruff tones of his own voice, Ray looked up, to find himself standing three meters away standing like a poof.

"Tell me this is a bad dream," Ray quivered, "Ma'am, PLEASE tell me I'm dreamin'!"

"What the hell's happened?" Alex squeaked. Suddenly it was too much. They stared at each other, and then, in perfect unison –

"AAAAHHHH!"

"What in the world?" one of the nurses squawked, running into the room.

"Sorry!" Alex gushed, flapping her hands in a manner so that you could only perceive Ray as gay. "I'm just so excited to see my DI, she's been through _such _an ordeal –"

"Don't talk like a poof!" Ray barked in protest.

"I'm not talking like a poof, Ray –"

"ALEX!" Ray shouted, clearly confusing the nurse. "Erm, I'm fine thanks luv, could we just 'ave a minute? In private?"

"Are you sure you're all right, DI Drake? Is this man bothering you?" the nurse scowled.

"No, he's not. Now. Privacy. Five minutes. Leave please."

"I really don't think –"

"Just f*ck off!"

The nurse looked absolutely flabbergasted. "Well DI Drake, I shall give you and your DS five minutes, and then you need your rest." And with that she stalked out, slamming the door.

Alex glared at Ray. "How _dare _you make a spectacle of me, and how _dare _you talk to that nurse in that way!"

"You were making me out ter be a bloody poofter!" Ray protested. "This is all your fault anyway, you and your weird psychiatry crap and the bollocks that comes out of yer mouth…"

"You think I like this situation?" Alex hissed, sitting down on Ray's bed as he sulked, fiddling with the duvet. "I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I wake up as a bloody _man_ after nearly being blown to pieces, and I have my bloody Detective Sergeant in _my _body!"

"Well making you a bossier bitch than you actually are is no price to pay compared to you making me look like a nancy boy!" Ray retorted, sitting up and thrusting himself nose to nose with Alex.

"Remember _DS _Carling, I am still your superior, so you better think twice about calling me a bitch!"

"Oh I don't think so."

"What?"

"I believe _I'm _DI Alex Drake now, Ma'am. I'm _your _superior officer."

Alex looked thunderous. "You are not pulling rank on me in CID. Wait a minute. We can't work like this! You are in no position to be a Detective Inspector and give psychological advice!"

"Oh this is going to be fun after all," Ray cackled.

"Yes, just as much fun as me making you come to work in a dress."

Ray's blood ran cold. "You wouldn't."

"I would."

Ray and Alex glared at each other for five murderous seconds. Finally, Alex broke the silence.

"We're going to have to sort this out," Alex sighed, "when you get out tomorrow, come to my flat. Your flat. Argh! _The _flat. I'll go back there tonight and then when you arrive we can sort this out."

"How? You ain't got a magic wand up there 'ave yer?" Ray smirked.

"No," Alex said primly, "but seeing as neither of us have any idea when we'll be switching back, it might be an idea to talk this over. For one, I don't want my reputation being sullied just because Ray Carling got his hands on my body."

"Don't let the Guv 'ear you sayin' that."

"Shut up."

"All right, all right. I s'pose that's the best idea. I need to teach you 'ow ter not be a poof anyway. Don't you _dare _walk 'ow you walked just a minute ago. I'll be out on my arse and made to join the Gay Rights Protestors."

"Okay, okay. And try not to be rude. Just act like me."

"What, like a bloody fruitcake?"

"Raymondo, would you like me to waltz down the corridor singing _You're the One that I want _from _Grease_?"

"No!"

"Then shut the hell up!"

------------------------

Alex managed to slip into her flat unnoticed as Ray and despite her mind-boggling day, she managed to drift off to sleep pretty quickly. Lying fully-clothed on the sofa, she was disturbed at eight o'clock the next morning by a loud knock on the door.

"Wha'?" Alex moaned sleepily.

"Come and open this bloody thing!" came the familiar hisses of her own voice. "Do you know how weird it looks for you ter be knocking at yer own flat?"

Alex scrambled to her feet and opened the door. She was met with the sight of herself, wearing yesterday's clothes and a scowling pout to challenge Gene's.

"Took you long enough," Ray grunted.

"Oh would you just _try _to sound a little more cultured? You don't know how awful it is to hear your

slang colloquialisms come out of my mouth."

"When you stop making me sound like the bloody queen," Ray retorted, crashing down on the sofa.

-----------------------------

Thirty minutes and a bottle of alcohol later, Ray and Alex had managed to come to some form of agreement. They were to do their best to represent each other well whilst stuck in this predicament. Alex had told Ray just to fake illness this week, and that way it might be a bit more believable when CID goes into shock as Alex Drake isn't talking that much. As Alex had a background in the studying of humans, she had assured Ray that his manly, sexist reputation would be safe with her, but if he dared pull rank or show her up deliberately in any way then it would be a pink bikini for him.

"Ray," Alex said nervously as one very important factor came into her mind.

"What?" said Ray.

"How am I going to…you know…go?"

There was silence. Ray swallowed.

"You won't."

"_What?_"

"You won't go. I'm not 'avin you 'andling my pride and joy."

"So what am I supposed to do? Wet myself? Wet _yourself_? Argh! THIS SELF?"

"No. Don't eat. Don't drink."

"You want me to deprive your own body of nutrients?"

"Yes."

Alex looked livid. "Fine. But that's going to draw more attention to the fact that you're not yourself."

"What is?"

"The fact you're not eating."


	4. Blushes and Blouses

After finishing their discussion, Ray and Alex decided that they needed to change out of their sweaty clothes and into some fresh ones.

"Wahey Ma'am, I get to look at you _naked_," Ray grinned, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"Don't even think about it, Carling," Alex spat, grabbing a clean shirt from the wardrobe and locking herself in the bathroom. After a quick wash of Ray's grubby face and a change of shirt, she decided that would have to do. No way was she dealing with the trousers and boxers scenario just yet.

Ray however had different ideas towards Alex's modesty.

Alex walked in to find Ray standing there as Alex in her knickers and bra, hands all over her body's breasts and arse.

"RAY CARLING!" Alex fumed as Ray jumped out of his skin. "Once you've quite finished having a jolly good grope, would you like to put some clothes on?!"

"Yes Ma'am," Ray blushed, diving into the wardrobe. Alex stalked out in disgust and sat on the sofa. She tried to cross her legs, recognised the searing pain and then decided otherwise.

"Bloody men," Alex spat. "RAY, hurry UP. I would quite like to arrive at CID this side of Easter, thank you!"

A few minutes later, Ray emerged from the bedroom and Alex's eyes almost popped from their sockets.

"No," she said forcefully, "no, no and a million times _no_. Get back in that bedroom and change into something more respectable!"

Ray had gone for a skirt that barely covered her arse and a long-sleeved red blouse with a deep V, showing way too much cleavage. With heeled ankle boots, she looked unbelievably tarty.

"You look good, Ma'am," Ray winked.

"What I look like is a flipping prostitute," Alex retorted, "where my normal jeans. Black boots. Keep the blouse because it'll take you another century to get changed if you get another look at my chest. Just for God's sake put my white leather jacket over it."

Finally, Alex and Ray were ready to leave the flat. With a quick glance out of the windows, they dashed out.

"Why the rush anyway, Ma'am?" Ray frowned.

"I think you should be referring to me as _Ray,_" Alex hissed, "otherwise we'll both be carted off in the loony bin. Anyway, you know perfectly well what it will look like if anyone sees you and me coming out of my flat together in the morning."

"They'll think I'm screwing yer," Ray grinned.

"Exactly," Alex sighed as they began their walk.

"Hey, how'd you get to CID every morning anyway, Ma'am – _Ray_?"

"I walk."

"_Walk_?"

"Yes. It's that little thing called exercise."

Ray grunted in disgust. It was clear that he didn't think much to walking.

"And _try _not to swing your arms so much, you're making me look like a man!"

"Well stop wigglin' yer arse and I won't look like a poof! Then its happy days all round!"

At long last, the pair finally made it into CID, hoping to be the first in to avoid awkward. Unfortunately someone had beat them to it, emerging from his office with a glass of scotch.

"Bolly and Raymondo, arriving together I see?"

------------------------------

Doctor Marsh was one of the first to arrive at the hospital that morning. He had just released a very scatty DI Alex Drake, and a smirk came to his lips at the memory. How amusing it had been, watching her and DS Carling in all their confusion.

"Up kind of early today ain't ya?" came a sunny laugh from behind him. Doctor Marsh turned round to see a stunning blonde smiling at him.

"Ready for another big day?" she purred, strutting over to him. "Saving lives? Recovering patients? Helping –" she thrust her face closer to his "– damsels in distress?"

"Honey, you're no damsel in distress," Doctor Marsh laughed softly, "in fact, you're quite the opposite."

"Well then," the girl breathed, drawing herself closer still, "if I'm not worth your time or energy…I guess I better…" Her lips were an agonising millimetre away from his lips…

"_Go_." And with that, the blonde woman stalked out of the room.

"Oh come on!" Doctor Marsh groaned in frustration. He sighed and got back to work. It was going to be a long day.

----------------------

"Guv," Ray said, sweating, "it's not what it looks like…I was just…that is to say…"

"I picked DI Drake up from the hospital, Guv," Alex cut in, sniffing disgustingly in what she hoped was a manly way. "Bein' the man. YEAH, the _man_. You know what we _men_ are like 'ey _Guv_." And with that, she gave Gene a friendly punch on the arm. Ray closed his eyes in exasperation. Gene looked as if he was trying to figure out the logic of Santa Claus not being real.

"Yer know what, Raymondo," Gene said finally, "when I want a thump on the arm –" Gene punched Alex, and quite hard too "– I'll bloody well ask for one! Now get to work!"

Alex nodded, wincing in pain as she rubbed Ray's muscular arms. Ray himself was now banging his head on the wall.

"_Why_?" he gasped melodramatically.

**A/N: Slightly shorter chapter, sorry about that guys :( hope you still likeeee and R&R! and many thanks to those who have already reviewed, added to favourites or story alerted! Really means a lot (: thanks again love to all x **


	5. CID

CID began to pile in as nine o'clock came and went. Ray was sitting at Alex's desk, finding much amusement with her swizzle-y chair and spinning round and round as fast as he could. Chris watched in complete and utter shock, drooling crisps out of his mouth.

"Chris, that is revolting," Alex snapped, "and _DI Drake _do you _really _think that is the type of thing you normally do? Especially when you're _ill _and supposed to be being _quiet _and _not doing much_."

"Wha'? Oh. Yeah," Ray realised, stopping abruptly. Too abruptly in fact; landing on the floor.

"You drunk, Bolls?" Gene frowned, staring at Ray incredulously as Alex closed her eyes in angst.

"Er, no," Ray coughed, standing up and adjusting the ridiculous leather jacket Drake insisted he wore. Gene smirked and Alex's eyes widened as Ray began to take the jacket off…

"No!" she burst out. "Ray – Alex – Ma'am – ARGH! You! Put the jacket back on!"

Gene looked completely confused. "Become a fashion guru 'ave we now, Raymondo?"

"Oh shut up," Alex muttered. Ray draped Alex's leather jacket on the back of her chair and stood facing the Guv nervously. Gene's eyes were drawn to the generous cleavage now on display thanks to Ray's clothes choice.

"Bleedin' ell, Bolls, yer gonna give 'alf of CID an 'eart attack!" he whistled, not lifting his gaze.

"Guv," Alex piped up, "her eyes are a little higher than where you're looking if you don't mind."

Gene turned to face Alex, absolutely dumbfounded. "Who the bloody 'ell do you think you are, 'er bloody father? What's gotten into you today?"

"Nothing, I just think your sexist attitudes ought to be recognised a little bit more!" Alex barked before she could stop herself.

"Right, that's it!" Ray snapped, grabbing Alex forcefully by the arm and marching her out of the room.

"Yeah, you tell 'im, DI Drake!" Chris laughed. Gene couldn't believe what he was seeing. Bolly marching Ray out of the doors and him putting up with it.

"Shaz, get me a brew!" Gene ordered. "Stronger than me usual!"

-------------------------

Finally, Ray reached an empty interviewing room down the hall and pushed Alex inside, closing the door behind him.

"I thought you said my macho reputation was safe?! 'Don't worry, Ray, I'm the psychologist, I'm trained to understand human behaviour, of course I can pull this off!'…yeah, nice one, Ma'am! You're really doing well!" Ray fumed.

"Well if you hadn't worn this revealing blouse I wouldn't have the Guv's eyes leering all over my boobs and I wouldn't have to stand up for myself as you!" Alex fought back, even confusing herself.

"Oh give over, Drake, you loved it really," Ray sneered.

"Excuse me?"

"Bet deep down you want a bit o' fun in the sack wi' the Guv, otherwise you wouldn't 'ave such a problem wi' Skyler, would yer?"

Turning the tables, Alex grabbed Ray by the stupid collar of that stupid blouse and spun them round, pressing him against the wall.

"You are _far _too lippy, _Detective Sergeant_," Alex hissed, "you may have the pleasure of being in my body but I am still your superior officer, so watch your mouth!"

Suddenly, the interview room door banged open to reveal the strong bulk of DCI Gene Hunt. As the light flooded into the naturally dark room, his mouth dropped to find what appeared to be Ray Carling manhandling Alex Drake up against the wall.

"Well don't let me interrupt," he spat maliciously, "always had you down as the kinky sort, Drake, liking it rough, but if you two _don't_ mind, I 'ave Skyler in me office wi' more information on these Jackson bastards!"

"Yes Guv," Alex and Ray mumbled, following Gene back, giving each other dirty looks.

"Right," Gene announced as the three of them got back to the office, "DI Drake, my office. Skyler's got names for us about the bastards that we didn't manage to arrest from the bomb attack at Rothmore House the other day. DS Carling, try to at least look like you're doin' somethin' productive. Now mush!"

Alex sat down at Ray's desk reluctantly, keeping an eye on the Guv's office. Sure enough, through the glass she spotted a young woman with long, elbow-length blonde curls, stockings, high-heels and a shorter than short dress to challenge Alex's when she first arrived in 1981. Alex nodded to Ray, who looked as if he would rather jump off Tower Bridge than follow the Guv into the office and attempt to spout psychiatry crap.

"After you, Drake," Gene said sharply. Ray acknowledged the blunt use of Alex's surname – catching them in the interview room together must have had more of an effect on him than he liked to let on…

Entering the room, Ray spotted Skyler perched happily on the edge of the Guv's table.

_Drake's spot, _Ray noted, _oh-ho she will not be happy…_

And sure enough, Ray looked through the glass to see Alex staring angrily at Skyler, threatening to snap Chris' favourite pencil. She was fidgeting and crossing her legs daintily. In his opinion, Alex was making him look like he had a raging hard one. Ray caught her eye and sent her a warning glare. Alex retaliated by pulling an unattractive face. Ray made to lift the blouse he was wearing up, and then Alex co-operated, uncrossing her legs and pulling a magazine out. Turning back to the Guv and Skyler, Ray was satisfied.

However, this whole little episode was watched by Chris, whom was now turning his head from Alex to Ray with an open mouth.

"Just get back to work, Chris," Alex sighed.

"Erm, you all right, mate?" Chris frowned, still looking stunned. "Somethin' funny's going on wi' you and DI Drake, like. Mate…"

"What, Chris?" Alex said crisply, looking up.

"Are yer…you know…"

"Speak English, Chris, I haven't got all day."

"_Are you screwin' DI Drake_?"

Alex's eyes widened in horror. "I most certainly am not! No way, _no way _would Ray – I – ever be lucky enough to sleep with such an independent, intelligent, professional _and _attractive woman. No. Never. Now shut up and do some work."

The corners of Chris' mouth twitched. Ray never spoke like that about anyone.

Chris turned to Shaz. "He's screwin' her."


	6. Skyler May and the Suspects

Back in Gene's office, Skyler May eyed Alex in a way that could only be described as challenging.

"DI Drake," she smiled sweetly, "pleasure as always."

"Er, yeah," Ray said awkwardly, trying desperately to keep his eyes off Skyler's chest. "So…" _Quick you twonk, think of something Drake would say! _"Erm…news. Yeah. You had the names of some bastards?"

Gene raised his eyebrows. "Blimey, you're beginning to sound like me, Bolly. Anyway, yes, names. What do yer know, Skyler?"

Skyler crossed one leg over the other, exposing more of her thigh.

_Oh Lord give me strength, _Ray thought desperately, suddenly finding something very interesting on the floor to stare at.

"Yes," Skyler smirked, "you arrested three out of the seven blokes yesterday, didn't you? Charged them and everything? Well I've found out two of the others. They were gloating together in one of the local pubs last night about escaping the police on the Rothmore job, so I know I'm right."

"What are their names?" Gene asked.

"Paul Grahams and Cairo Rodrigos. I checked with the bar man; he said they were regulars," Skyler purred, flashing her million-dollar smile.

"So Guv," Ray spoke up, "do we…ur…call them in?"

Gene stared at him. "No Bolly, we let 'em walk free! What do yer think? Get Raymondo or Christopher on it. Now."

"Right Guv," Ray nodded, opening Gene's office door, "Chris, find the details for Paul Grahams and Cairo Rodrigos. Bring 'em in."

"Yes Ma'am," Chris nodded, getting straight up and to it.

"Thanks, Skyler," Gene nodded, flashing her a rare smile, "you've been a real help."

"Never a problem for you, Mr Hunt," Skyler giggled flirtatiously, "in fact, I quite look forward to my little trips into CID."

"And you know what _we_ look forward to," Alex piped up, "your little trips _out _of CID!"

Skyler stared at her. "Since when did your Detective Sergeant get all hot and bothered?"

"Ignore 'im, he's a twonk," Gene spat angrily, "got hit in that Jackson's Army explosion with DI Drake and 'as been a bit doo-lally all bloody day!"

"Oh, so that's why she's often a bit off?" Skyler said in a mock whisper, shooting Ray a superior smirk.

"No, that one's always been a fruitcake," Gene said simply, "anyways, off 'ome with yer, Skyler. 'Ow yer getting back?"

"Oh I don't know," Skyler simpered in a horribly fake voice that made Alex's skin crawl, "and I don't like taxis. Or buses. Or trains. And it's _way _too far to walk, DCI Hunt, Sir."

"I'll drive yer," Gene nodded, "Quattro keys, anyone seen 'em?"

Thinking fast, Alex grabbed them off the side, hoping that no-one saw.

"Your Detective Sergeant just grabbed them, DCI Hunt," Skyler said sweetly, "they're in his hands."

"Excellent, thanks Ray," Gene said, snatching them out of Alex's hands. And with that, Gene and Skyler flounced out of CID.

"Stupid little tart," Alex muttered angrily, "not that I care anyway. Never drives me home in the middle of the day though. Stupid bastard."

"You all right, Ray?" Shaz frowned. "You been acting a bit funny today, you 'ave."

"Yeah _Ray_," Ray snarled, "start acting more like _yourself_, okay?"

Alex glared at him.

--------------------------

A couple of hours later, Gene and Ray were in the interviewing room with Paul Grahams. He was early forties with greying hair and scars. He certainly looked as if he could be Jackson's Army material.

"So where were you," Ray stuttered, beginning with the easy stuff, "between the hours of one o'clock and three o'clock in the afternoon yesterday?"

Paul shifted awkwardly. "I was out."

"I know you were out, yer stupid bastard, you were blowin' up bloody Rothmore House!" Gene barked.

"Guv," Ray said, "you can't say that yet. We need evidence." _Nice one, Ray, _Ray thought smugly.

"Because we seem to have a quote from a reliable source of you and a fellow member of Jackson's bloody Army laughin' and braggin' about gettin' away in the pub last night," Gene continued, "so. Care to get yerself out o' that one?"

"I weren't in no pub last night," Paul insisted, "and I weren't at this stupid Rothmore 'ouse place neither. I ain't got a clue where it is."

"Rearrange the following words," Gene shouted, "is bollocks bloody that!"

"So where were you then," Ray sighed, "you must have an alibi if yer weren't there."

Paul remained silent.

"Fine," Gene growled.

-----------------------------

They didn't have much more luck with Cairo Rodrigos. He was mid-thirties with dark skin and a boyishly handsome face. Unluckily for Ray, Cairo had taken a lecherous liking to Alex and kept sending winks and seductive signals across the table. It made Ray feel quite sick.

"I've got nuffink to do wiv the Jackson tossers," Cairo laughed, "if I had, I'd stand up well proud and admit it. But unfortunately, I weren't nowhere near the little rich kids' party."

"Seem to know an awful lot about it though, don't yer, sonny," Gene snarled, "don't recall us tellin' you it were a party for the snobs!"

"You must have had something to do with it then," Ray piped up. Cairo eyed him, and winked.

"Look babe," he smirked, "news travels fast round London, don't it? I heard about it, okay?"

"So where we you yesterday afternoon then, smartarse?" Gene demanded.

"Where was I?" Cairo laughed again, avoiding the question.

"Oh we may not know where you definitely were yesterday but I do know where you'll definitely be in about five minutes!" Gene growled threateningly.

"Gettin' a blowjob from your tasty inspector 'ere hopefully…"

With that, Cairo was sent flying across the room by Gene.

----------------------------------

After questioning Cairo, Ray met Alex in the kitchenette off the side of Gene's office and informed her about the suspects.

"Didn't get nothin' out of either of them though," Ray muttered, "apart from the fact that Rodrigos fancies the pants off you. Me. Whoever."

"Yeah, great," Alex whimpered. Ray frowned. It was obvious she was distracted.

"Ma'am, what's up?"

Alex gulped.

"Ray, I am absolutely desperate for the toilet…"


	7. The Toilet Fiasco

Ray had never looked more panicked in his life.

"What?" he growled. Hadn't he told her not to eat or drink? What part of that didn't she understand?

"Ray, I need the loo so bad!" Alex whined again. "You have to let me go to the toilet, I'm serious!"

Ray could see she wasn't joking. Oh God, he was going to have to deal with this sooner or later. "Right, come with me. Now. Act casual."

Ray and Alex made to exit the office, when a brash voice stopped them.

"And just where do you two think you're slinkin' off to?" It was Gene, looking quite confused and also quite annoyed.

"Erm, I…er…" Ray stammered.

"Toilet, Guv," Alex gasped, "okay, got to go now…"

"And DI Drake just how are your services required in the act of Raymondo evacuating his bowels?" Gene said rudely.

"Um, I'm going to ur…talk to Cairo again," Ray babbled.

"No you're bloody not," Gene ordered, "unless you wanna be on your knees with your lips wrapped round his di –"

"GUV, I NEED A FRICKING PISS!" Alex burst out. And with that, she charged out of the room.

_Crap! _Ray panicked. "Erm, I'm gonna talk to Paul then! Yeah, Paul, back in a sec, Guv!" and with that, he charged out after Alex.

Gene glared angrily and then he too stomped out after them.

Ray ran down the corridor to catch up with Alex. "Quick, in 'ere before anyone sees!" he hissed, bundling her into the men's toilets. Thinking fast, Ray grabbed the key from the window sill and locked the door to the gent's, giving himself and Alex privacy.

Alex was sweating. "Now what?"

Ray couldn't believe what he was about to say. "Right," he ordered gruffly, "stand in front o' one of them." He positioned Alex where he wanted her and stood directly behind her.

"Look up," Ray ordered, "don't you _dare _look down or CID's gettin' an eyeful of your tits!"

"Okay, okay, just hurry up!" Alex whimpered. Ray moved his hands round to Alex's crotch (or rather his crotch…) and began to unbutton the belt and zipper.

"Trousers down," Ray muttered through gritted teeth, "and the boxers."

Alex's eyes widened in alarm. Getting naked from the waist down for Ray was never on her wish list for the 80's. _Just remember, it's not your body…he's only seeing his own…oh God…_

Reluctantly, Alex pulled down the trousers and boxer shorts and a light breeze ambushed her legs. Determinedly, she didn't look down.

"Right 'ere goes," Ray squirmed, wrapping his arms round the familiar bulk of his own body and grabbing his cock with Alex's hands. "Never thought my knob would be gettin' a hand job from Alex Drake!"

"Shut up!" Alex snapped, disgusted by the sparks of pleasure she was feeling through Ray's body. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Well what are yer waitin' for?" Ray hissed. "Piss already!"

"Right," Alex gagged, relieving herself.

"Shit, it's harder to aim doin' it like this," Ray mumbled, readjusting his grip. But just then, they were interrupted by a thunderous knock on the door.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN THERE?" Gene bellowed.

"Shit, its Gene!" Alex panicked.

"I know that, yer daft tart! Hurry up!"

"I'm not done yet!"

"Drake! Carling! I saw you go in there together! What the hell's going on? I want to see!" Gene demanded angrily, his voice booming through the door.

"No Guv, you really don't want to see this," Ray sweated, looking down at what he was holding.

But before Alex and Ray had time to change their positions or stop what they were doing, Gene had broken the door down. With a splintering crash, the door thudded to the floor and Gene was exposed to the scene.

If anything he had already witnessed had been shocking, this topped the lot. Alex Drake giving Ray Carling a hand job in the gent's toilets of CID.

"Guv!" Ray stammered, whipping his hands away as Alex frantically pulled up the trousers. "It really isn't what it looks like!"

Gene was speechless and felt completely revolted. "You were right," he muttered darkly, "I really didn't want ter see that." And with that, he marched out of the toilets, leaving an embarrassed Ray and Alex in stunned silence.

-------------------------

Shaz noticed the Guv was a bit subdued that afternoon. He had thunderously shut himself away in his office, staring into space and looking absolutely disgusted about something. Bravely, she knocked on his door with a cup of tea for him.

"Ta, Shaz," Gene grunted.

"No problem, Guv," Shaz smiled weakly, "erm…Guv, I know it's not my place or nuffink, but are you feeling all right?"

"Absolutely dandy, never bloody better," Gene snapped sarcastically.

"Okay Guv," Shaz nodded, "and erm, you seen DI Drake? A couple of phone calls 'ave come through, demanding to talk to senior offices and stuff, about this Jackson's Army attack. Witnesses and stuff."

"Drake?" Gene scoffed. "Probably wrapping her lips round Raymondo's cock before she moves on to Cairo Rodrigos, the stupid tart."

Shaz's eyes widened in shock at what Gene had just said. "What? Ma'am and Ray? I don't…"

"Just get out, Shaz," Gene said briskly, "if Drake or Carling want me, I'm not 'ere."

Shaz closed the Guv's door, looking gob-smacked.

"What is it, Shaz?" Chris asked her.

"I fink you was right about Ray and Ma'am," she whispered, hardly believing it. "The Guv…the Guv just said…"

"_Ray_? Gettin' DI Drake before the Guv? No," Chris shook his head, "no way, I was only messin' with 'im earlier. No way would DI Drake let Ray sleep with 'er. She hates 'im, don't she?"

"That's what I thought," Shaz chuckled lightly, "just goes to show you don't know nuffink round here!"

Promptly, Ray and Alex crashed through the doors just then looking flustered.

"I need to talk to Gene!" Alex demanded. "I need to set things straight…"

"Hold on Ray, the Guv don't want to see you or Ma'am," Shaz stopped her.

"What? Why?" Alex gasped. Ray sat at Alex's desk looking physically sick. Shaz exchanged looks between them both, and then leant into Alex.

"How could you, Ray? You know the Guv likes Ma'am, even if he won't admit it," she pointed out.

"What?" Alex said incredulously. "No he doesn't…course he doesn't…he just…"

"Oh come on, Ray," Shaz sighed, "you've seen the way he looks at her. And now you've gone and ruined it for 'im."

Alex was stunned. Was it really possible? Did the great Manc Lion actually have personal feelings for her?


	8. Flirting and Fighting

Ray thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, but that evening, thanks to that damn Skyler May, he found himself staking out the supposed hang-out for the two or more remaining members of Jackson's Army. And this meant sitting in a car, alone, with Gene Hunt all night.

It was times like this when Ray was glad that he was in Alex's body, because Gene couldn't hit him for finding him in that situation in the toilets earlier.

There was an awkward silence. Luckily Gene's anger had cooled off during the afternoon, but he wasn't letting his DI off that easily. After all, they had possible hours in the car together before Skyler gave them the signal to come in and arrest any members of Jackson's Army that she'd discovered.

"So DI Sluttyknickers," Gene said suddenly, making Ray jump, "since when 'ave you and Raymondo been an item? I wouldn't 'ave thought he was your type personally."

"We are not an item," Ray insisted forcefully, "believe me. No way."

"Oh," Gene said briskly, "di'int look that way to me when I found you handlin' his cock in the gent's earlier."

Ray breathed out slowly. This was going to be a long night. "There was a perfectly logical explanation be'ind that one, Guv."

"Oh yeah? And what's that then?"

"She – he – needed…some…some help and…"

With this, Gene laughed out loud. "Needed some help? That's a new one, Bolly. And I suppose that 'Thatcherite Wanker' needed some help out of his clothes? Why won't yer just admit you're shaggin' Ray?"

"I am not shaggin' Ray," Ray scoffed, "that's kind of…impossible, Guv."

"Why? Not big enough in the ol' trouser department?" Gene wondered, looking pleased.

"_What_?" Ray gasped in horror. "No way, the complete opposite! It's _huge_. Absolutely ginormous. Yeah, you need a flippin' metre long ruler to measure that one."

Gene turned to Ray, frowning. "Well since when 'ave yer shown any interest in Ray, Bolls?" he asked, looking quite put out. "I mean, why 'im? What is it?"

Ray was about to launch into a fifteen minute lecture about what made him so great, but then remembered that Drake really wouldn't thank him for it. "I'm not interested, Guv. Honest. He's really not the bloke for me."

The corners of Gene's mouth twitched. "Good," he said finally, "cos if it is the massive todger he's got goin' on beneath the nancy knickers, I swear to God, Bolly, I can compete. If that's what you're after."

Ray sensed that this situation was getting way out of control. "Erm…I'm fine Guv," he squeaked. "Really. Yeah. No need for…that."

"Or is it the kissing?" Gene said softly. "Cos as they say, you ain't seen nothin' unless you've tasted a bit of the Gene Genie." With this, Gene had turned round to face Ray, drawing a little closer.

"Erm…" Ray winced, feeling seriously uncomfortable, "I can't say cos we haven't…and we're not going to…"

"You'd be screamin' for the Gene Genie before Raymondo even got a plea outta yer," Gene growled, resting his hand on Ray's thigh, making stroking movements on the inside. His hand was gradually reaching its destination…

"Really, Guv…this is wrong in so many ways," Ray gagged, feeling sicker by the second.

"Ah c'mon, Bolls, you in the gent's earlier gave me the right 'orn," Gene admitted, closer still, "care to explore yer options before you choose?"

"I really don't, thank you," Ray said prissily, trying to swat Gene's hand away and fiddling with the car door. "Oh look, it's Skyler! The signal!"

"Where?" Gene ordered, sitting up abruptly and looking around madly. Not thinking twice, Ray swung the door open and dashed out of the car, running over to where Alex and Chris had parked.

"I don't see 'er…what the…HEY! BOLLY! BOLLS! BOLLS, COME BACK!" Gene bellowed, watching Ray open the door to Alex and Chris' car and kick Chris out. "Bugger!"

-------------------------

"Right yer poof, out! Guv's orders, you need to swap cars with me!" Ray ordered Chris, pulling him out of the car and sitting in the front seat next to Alex.

"Right, okay," Chris frowned, looking confused. _Did DI Drake just call him a poof?_

"What the hell was all that about?" Alex demanded. "Don't call Chris a poof! And what went on with you and Gene?"

Ray still looked sick. "You really don't want to know."

Alex's blood ran cold. "_What _– did – you – _do_?"

"Me?" Ray protested. "I was good as gold, Ma'am, bein' quiet and everythin'! It was 'im who started questioning our relationship, then he started going on about how you should try 'im out first cos you gave 'im the 'orn in the gent's and then he started bloody touchin' me up…"

"_What_?" Alex shrieked.

"Exactly. I feel violated," Ray shuddered.

"This is completely your fault," Alex spat, tears threatening to spike in her eyes, "making me dress like a complete tart, flashing my boobs to CID, making me look as if I was giving you a bloody hand job…"

"_My _fault?" Ray gawped. "How the bleedin' 'ell is the Guv fancyin' yer _my _fault? Anyway, you're the one that's bloody made me look like a right nancy boy, spoutin' bollocks and walking around like a poofter!"

"Well now Gene and the entire population of CID think I'm a complete slag!" Alex squeaked.

"Oh shut up," Ray sneered maliciously, "they all thought you were a complete slag anyway."

There was a stunned silence. Ray gulped, instantly regretting what he just said.

"Ma'am," he croaked, "shit, Alex, I –"

"Shut up," Alex spat, "just shut up." Tears began to spill, and with that, she flounced out of the car and ran down the road. She was going to get him back for this.

"Shit," Ray groaned.

----------------------

Doctor Marsh downed the last pint of his beer and watched as DS Ray Carling flounced out of the police car, leaving DI Alex Drake alone.

"Looks like those two aren't going to be the best of friends for long," he laughed, stroking the long curls of the pretty blonde girl he was talking to.

"Too right," she sniggered, "the DCI likes her though. Drake. He was advancing on her in the car a few minutes ago."

Doctor Marsh smirked. "Well, we can soon change that," he smiled, rubbing his fingers along the blonde woman's arm.


	9. A Night at Luigi's

Following the unsuccessful evening of staking out the pub, Gene and the rest of CID decided to enjoy a night's session of drinking at Luigi's from ten o'clock that night. Ray, feeling uncomfortable around Gene and guilty about making Alex cry, decided to sit with Shaz in an attempt to look more like their DI. Gene, Chris and the CID boys were making raucous jokes and slugging back the alcohol.

"So where's Ray then, Ma'am?" Shaz asked Ray, taking a sip of her drink.

"Don't know, don't care," Ray sighed.

"Oh. Don't know if its really any of my business, Ma'am, but rumour has it round CID that –"

"I am not in a relationship with DI – DS Carling," Ray corrected himself, "nor am I shaggin' him, giving him blowjobs or anything like that. Everyone's got it completely wrong."

Shaz raised her eyebrows. "If you say so Ma'am, but – _bloody hell_!"

Luigi's restaurant erupted with laughter, jeers and splutters.

"What?" Ray frowned, looking for the source of amusement.

"My God, what is he _doing_?" Shaz giggled. "Ma'am, Ma'am look at this!" Ray spotted what everyone was laughing at straight away. Standing in the middle of the restaurant, bold as brass, was Alex Drake. She was dressed in her red hooker outfit from the first day she arrived, complete with high-heels and stockings. Ray would have said she looked damn sexy – if it weren't for the small fact that she was in _his _body!

"What are you playing at?!" Ray thundered. "What the – you – me – in that!"

"Do you like it, DI Drake?" Alex sneered. "Think it rather suits me, wouldn't you agree, boys?"

"Bloody 'ell, Raymondo, yer as pissed as a rat's arse!" Gene snapped, holding back smirks. "Only that could make you look like King of the Twats!"

"That's where you're wrong, Guv," Alex grinned evilly, "I've been King of the Twats ever since the day I was born. Comes pretty natural really, doesn't it?"

The CID boys laughed openly and Ray's blood boiled.

"Yeah, and you know what else comes bloody naturally?" Ray announced, whipping the white leather jacket off and exposing Alex's cleavage, earning jeers of appreciation from the men. "Me bein' Queen of the Tarts! The last time I was flippin' innocent was when I popped out my mother's womb!"

Alex's jaw dropped when Ray all of a sudden was clambering on the tables. Luigi's music blared, egging Ray on. "So fellas, who's up for a little lap dance?"

"WHAT?" Alex shrieked as the CID lot roared in approval.

"Bolls, that's enough, you're pissed," Gene said firmly, grabbing Ray round the waist.

"Don't you tell me what to do," Ray shoved him. As the music flowed fittingly into a raunchy number, Ray began a striptease for the cheering men of CID.

"Signorina Drake!" Luigi said desperately. "Mr Hunt, you make her stop, yes? Nice lady like Signorina Drake should not be taking clothes off for the likes of men like this!"

"Oh put a cork in it, Luigi, and fetch me a bottle o' yer finest," Gene hushed him, watching in disbelief as whom he perceived as Alex Drake threw her top off completely, exposing satin-curved breasts and hopped down from the table to grind in the lap of one of the CID detectives.

"Lucky bastard," Gene muttered. He was just about to waltz over and drag Drake off them personally before marching her upstairs to bed, when he was shoved viciously by 'Ray' as he charged out the room. Of course, unknown to Gene, this was Alex, who then charged up the stairs towards her flat and collapsed, shaking with tears.

Gene followed, confused at what the hell was going on. "Raymondo, just what in God's name are you playin' at?" he ordered gruffly, staring down at Alex who was slumped against the flat door. "I mean – hey, are you…_are you bloody crying_?"

Alex looked up, staining Ray's manly face with floods of tears.

"It – it – it's _not fair_," Alex wept, taking huge gulps of air. Gene stood there, nonplussed. Ray Carling was slumped on the floor bawling his eyes out. _Ray Carling_. Bloody hell he must have drank a lot…

"Ray, what the hell has gotten into you?" Gene frowned, feeling more confused and awkward by the second.

"It's _him_," Alex blubbered, "it's – it's _him _and – because – because of _him _everyone – everyone – everyone thinks that I'm a c-complete s-slut!"

Gene's eyes widened. Bloody hell, he didn't need this.

"Well, er, if its any consolation, Raymondo," Gene coughed, "I don't think you're a complete slut."

Alex stared at Gene with Ray's now wide and teary eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. Alex stumbled to her feet, causing Gene to look quite alarmed. "Thank you," she repeated, "should have known I could always count on you."

And with that, Alex enveloped Gene in a huge hug, leaving him absolutely terrified.

Alex pulled back. "My Gene. My constant," she smiled. Gene stared at her.

"Right," he croaked, "um, yeah. I'm gonna put this down to drink. Night, Raymondo," he said hurriedly, backing down the stairs as quick as he could. _Bloody hell!_

It was then that Gene walked straight into Skyler May.

"Mush, you," Gene said stiffly, still feeling flustered from his little encounter upstairs, "you've been absolutely no 'elp over the last couple o' days. Two suspects yer can name won't bloody talk and yer waste our time tonight on another bogus stake-out!"

"I know, Gene," Skyler whispered, "and I came here to apologise. I am so, so sorry for my useless information. Is there any way I can make it up to you?"

Gene snorted. "If you're looking for a shag, love, I'm not your bloke."

"Why?" Skyler cut in. "Someone else?"

"You could say that," Gene said vaguely, shooting an involuntary gaze at Ray, whom he obviously thought was Alex. Ray was now parading about as Alex in her underwear, being leered at by every bloke in the restaurant, not just CID.

"She don't seem to have the time for you though, does she?" Skyler said seductively. "So tell me, do you have time for her?"

Gene stared the woman performing the striptease – the woman he thought had class, intelligence and dignity.

"No," he growled, taking hold of Skyler's hand, "I really don't."

**A/N: . . . . :P don't hate me!!! I hate Skyler too, even though I made her up!! Lol R&R as always please (: thank you! x**


	10. Ray's First Period

The next couple of days passed quite painfully for CID. Alex and Ray weren't talking and neither were they embarrassing each other, but Ray's striptease and lap dance as Alex was still the main topic of conversation. Another main topic of conversation was the fact that the Guv was now sleeping with Skyler May. This absolutely crushed Alex, and she had become very subdued as Ray. Ray himself was just about passing as Drake, convincing the Guv that they needed to release Paul Grahams and Cairo Rodrigos as they had nothing on them. But on the whole, CID was no closer to sending down Jackson's Army than Chris was to becoming Prime Minister.

"Right, you lot!" Gene boomed. "This morning, I want results! This Jackson's Army bombing bollocks has been going on for nearly a week now. I want names, I want people bein' interviewed, I want this shit cleared up by the end of the day! Got it?"

There was a chorus of "Yes Guv"s as they all got into action. Ray began to look through the alibis of Paul Grahams and Cairo Rodrigos and Alex began reading through the list of names of people who were in the close friendship circle of those three members of Jackson's Army that they had already arrested.

The hours dragged on, and Ray's stomach began to experience searing pains. It felt as if he was being poked forcefully in the lower stomach, and the cramps were becoming unbearable to work with. He knew he'd have to break the ice and talk to Alex.

Ray winced in pain as he stood up and made his way over to Alex.

"_Ray_," he said exaggeratedly, "can you come with me a second? Kitchen? Please? Need to talk to you. About…the suspects."

Alex eyed Ray suspiciously. "What?"

"_I need to talk to you_," Ray groaned through gritted teeth. Tutting, Alex got up and accompanied Ray into the empty kitchen.

"What?" Alex said coldly.

"I'd like to know what the bleedin' 'ell your body's putting me through!" Ray winced, sitting down as the stabbing pains got worse.

"What do you mean?" Alex queried.

"Feels like I'm bein' bloody stabbed!" Ray gasped. Alex's mouth opened into the perfect 'O' shape as she counted back the dates in her head.

"Oh great," Alex muttered, "that's just bloody fantastic."

"What?" Ray demanded.

"Um, well, I don't really know how to tell you this, Ray, but it seems as if for the first time in your life you're experiencing menstrual cramps," Alex blushed.

Ray's mouth dropped.

"Tell me this is a f*cking joke."

Alex laughed nervously. "Oh God, what are we going to do? My period's due today. We need to go back to my flat."

"Of all the flippin' things…" Ray growled, "you women…why can't you be bloody _normal_?"

-----------------

Ray and Alex snuck out of CID unnoticed and flagged down a taxi back to Alex's flat. You'd think Ray was in labour the way he was screaming in the back of the taxi.

"_I'm gonna die_," Ray groaned melodramatically as the taxi driver looked worried.

"Your girlfriend all right, mate?" he asked Alex, nodding at Ray.

"Not my girlfriend," Alex said bluntly, "and yeah, she's fine. She's just being a _drama queen_."

"You're the drama queen," Ray snapped, panting for breath, "everything's always about you. You, you, you…"

"Great, and now you've got PMS," Alex muttered, "just what I need, a hormonal Ray!"

Slipping into the flat, Ray collapsed on the sofa moaning and groaning whilst Alex fished the necessities out of the drawer in her bedroom.

"I never thought I'd ever be having this conversation with you," Alex sighed, fighting the urge to laugh.

"Yeah, didn't quite think I'd ever have a period," Ray smirked, wincing in pain once more.

"Right," Alex began, "I think we're going to have to get over the embarrassment and just plunge straight in here. You have two options, Ray. This –"

Ray eyed it suspiciously. "What's that, a nappy?"

Alex sighed in frustration. "No, Raymondo, it's called a sanitary towel. You put it along the bottom of your knickers. My knickers. Whatever. But they have to be changed every four to six hours really, because of the blood…"

"Blood?" Ray repeated. "God, how much do you bleed?"

"The _other _choice," Alex continued, cutting across him, "are these, which I prefer. You change them every six to eight hours but…erm…"

"They're the ones that go up yer fanny, aren't they?" Ray smirked.

Alex blushed furiously, and then decided to turn the tables. "And you know that because?"

"Bird I shagged last year," Ray muttered darkly, "stupid cow forgot to mention she 'ad the decorators in when I went to get down with it…my pride and joy 'ad a nasty shock tryin' ter gain entry!"

"Yuck!" Alex squealed. "Way too much information, Ray!" She shuddered visibly, and then picked up the sanitary towels and the tampons. "I think I'd rather you used these to be honest, Ray," Alex mumbled, looking at the floor.

"The nappy things?" Ray grinned. "Why's that then, Ma'am?"

"No reason."

"You don't want me fiddlin' about down under, is that it?"

"Look just shut up, Ray! Fine. Use whatever you want. I don't care," Alex flounced, going over to the kitchen cupboards. "Then you need to take these for the pain."

--------------------------

Ray locked himself in Alex's bathroom with the box of pads and tampons. He eyed them challengingly, trying to decide which to go for. He doubted the pads would fit correctly over Drake's non-existent knickers, so reluctantly, he reached for the tampons.

Reading the instructions, Ray looked disgusted. "What the hell?" he gawped. He stripped Drake's jeans off and pulled down her tiny knickers, and following the tampon instructions, put one leg up on the toilet seat.

"Maybe I should've picked the bloody nappies after all," he muttered darkly. After a few more minutes, Ray was satisfied with his handy work. He was just doing a victory dance when he noticed little droplets of stained blood on the bathroom carpet.

"Bugger!" he moaned. "Aleeeeeex, I made a mess!"

"What? How can you make a mess when the flow isn't even heavy yet?"

_It gets heavier? The little bastards! _"Look, it's not my fault you're dripping like a –"

"Oh just shut up, Ray!" Alex groaned, getting ready to go back to CID.

**A/N: Hey everyone, just to let you know the next update will most likely be on Saturday because I'm in London tomorrow and I have rehearsals all night Friday :( sorry for the longer wait, but please R&R as always ! :D love x**


	11. Not As She Seems

**A/N: Helloooo, finished my rehearsals early so I thought I'd give you the next chapter tonight ! :D this is also the longest one I've written so far lol (: R&R please, lovelove x**

Ray and Alex walked happily back to CID, getting along better than ever since their body swap. Apologies had been made and they decided to draw a line over the last couple of days and focus on trying to find out ways to switch back. The afternoon passed successfully as the detectives called in further suspects and witnesses for questioning and CID managed to go the whole day without an appearance from Skyler. This made Alex particularly happy.

"Right ladies," Gene said loudly, "beer o'clock, let's all 'ead down ter Luigi's."

Ray groaned, holding his stomach. Gene frowned.

"What's up with you, Bolls, you up the duff?" he sneered.

"Wouldn't be surprised, the amount o' blokes she pulled a few nights ago," Chris sniggered to Shaz, earning himself a sharp elbow-jab.

"I'm fine," Ray grumbled, being shot a warning look from Alex, "just might give Luigi's a miss. Not feeling too good."

Gene grunted. "Fine," he muttered, stalking out with other members of CID on his tail. When it was just Ray and Alex left, Alex got up and walked over to Ray.

"Finally, a day without embarrassment," she smiled weakly. Ray returned the smile.

"Yeah…sorry about what that div said, Ma'am. The rest of 'em were thinking it, so when I get my body back, I'll knock 'em all out for yer."

If possible, Alex's smile widened further. "Thanks, Ray," she said quietly.

"S'my fault they all think yer a slag anyway. Shouldn't have done that. Yer know, paradin' about as you…making yer look cheap…"

"We've both given as good as we've got, Ray," Alex laughed lightly, "coming out as you in that dress was hardly nice, was it?"

Ray sniggered. "Oh God. Have ter admit it did look pretty funny." Ray winced in pain. "Anyway Ma'am, I'm gonna head back to your flat. Need some more drug stuff for this pain."

"Okay, I'll meet you back there in a bit. Just going to finish off some of these files," Alex nodded.

"Just don't let no-one see," Ray winked, "me…stayin' be'ind to do paperwork…it's just not right!"

-----------------------

The plan was set. Everything was working so far. The girl had seduced Hunt, driven a wedge between Hunt and his pretty DI and now there was only one thing left to do before Hunt was almost broken. Get in between him and his Detective Sergeant. That way, Hunt would be distracted. He wouldn't be on top form. That meant Hunt would never catch them. That way, they would never be discovered. Heading off to the hospital, he nodded to the blonde girl. It was going perfectly.

* * *

"Surely a man like you shouldn't be left to do all the dirty work when the boys are all off drinking?"

Alex whipped around at the sound of the voice, and her face clouded. Skyler May. Skyler bloody May.

"I thought we'd lasted a day without seeing you," Alex spat, "well, that lasted long. If you're looking for Gene – the Guv – then you'll find him in Luigi's. Now piss off."

Skyler laughed. "You don't seem to like me very much, do you?"

"Nope," Alex said simply.

Skyler smirked, strutting over to the desk Alex was sitting at and perching herself on it. She deliberately hitched her skirt up higher to expose more thigh. Alex's eyebrow twitched, unimpressed.

"You're the bloody slut, not me," she muttered.

"Excuse me?" Skyler spluttered.

"I said you're the slut," Alex repeated, smiling smugly. Skyler smirked again.

"Ooh, I do like that," she purred, "slut, whore, slag, bitch…anything like that _really _turns me on." Skyler began to rub Alex's arm lightly. Panicking, Alex pulled away and stood up.

"Erm, yeah…that's nice, Skyler…"

"You wouldn't say no to a bit of fun, would you, Sergeant?" Skyler giggled, pushing Alex up against the wall.

"Whoa, whoa, wait! Skyler…oh shit…" Alex gulped as Skyler began nibbling at her neck, "Skyler, no! I've never been with a woman before…"

"Oh, you sweetheart!" Skyler shrieked. "How cute!"

Suddenly Skyler's mouth was assaulting Alex's, her hands running through the curly tufts of Ray's perm and tangle of tongues.

"Oh…Ray…" Skyler gasped. Alex's eyes were wide with alarm and shock. Regaining control, she pushed Skyler off her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alex squeaked. "Oh God, I can't believe I just kissed a woman…"

"What?" Skyler cackled. "Wait a minute…are you _gay_?"

"Shut up," Alex spat, "but just what is your problem? You're shagging Gene, aren't you? Why can't you just piss off and leave me alone?"

"Oh _Gene_," Skyler said maliciously, "Gene…yes, I've had my fun with Gene. Not really worth much more hassle if I'm perfectly honest though."

"You bitch!" Alex spat. "Gene's worth everything! You don't even deserve him!"

Skyler stared at Alex. There was a brief silence.

"Bloody hell," she breathed in awe, "you _are _gay."

* * *

Alex began running to Luigi's. She was faster than Skyler and just had to beat the tarty blonde to Gene. The tart was using him and he had the right to know before Skyler made up any lies. After all, Alex meant every word she said about Gene in CID to Skyler.

"Guv!" Alex panted breathlessly as she ran into Luigi's, "Guv!"

"Bloody hell, Raymondo, you been doin' _exercise_?" Gene gawped, propping himself up against the bar.

"Guv, there's something you should know," Alex breathed heavily, "it's about Skyler May."

Gene frowned. "Since when do you have anything to do with Skyler? Gettin' ready to pinch another one o' my birds?"

Alex's mouth opened slightly. _Did he just mean what she thought he meant?_

"Ray?" Gene snapped, waving his hand in front of Alex's face. "What do you want?"

"It's Skyler," Alex recovered, swallowing awkwardly, "she's using you."

Gene stared at Alex for what felt like a century. Then, he downed his glass and turned back to face Alex. "Don't believe you," he grunted simply.

Alex's eyes widened. "What? No, Guv, you have to! You deserve so much better…she came onto me just now back in CID, it was actually quite disturbing…"

"You know what I think, Carling," Gene snarled, "I think you've got some bloody problem in your 'ead about me when it comes ter women. You saw me and Bollyknickers gettin' a little bit close for your liking, so what do yer do? Mark her as your own, get 'er 'ands round your cock and you've probably shagged her too!"

"No," Alex whispered, "I would never…look you stupid bastard; I want you and Alex together! She does too; I'm actually one hundred and ten per cent sure!"

"Bollocks," Gene spat, "listen Ray, you may have gotten in between me an' Bolly but you are _not _getting in between me an' Skyler!"

"GENE!"

Alex whipped round. Shit. Skyler had just ran into Luigi's, her blonde hair a mass of knotty curls and her lipstick and mascara smudged.

"What's he said?" Skyler said worriedly.

"Don't worry, love," Gene snarled, putting his arm around her, "nothing important."

"Suppose he hasn't told you that he's come out of the closet?" Skyler piped up, trying to change the subject. Both Alex and Gene's eyes widened further.

"WHAT?" they shrieked in unison. Gene took two large steps away from Alex.

"Tell me this is a bloody joke, Carling!" he panicked.

"Said he'd never been with a woman before," Skyler simpered, "very sweet…I was just telling some friends about it before I arrived…"

"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO GO ROUND TELLING PEOPLE THAT I'M GAY?" Alex thundered, silencing the restaurant. CID's mouths dropped. Chris and Shaz looked as if they'd seen a ghost.

Alex looked around at the gawping faces slowly. Shit. "I er, I'm not actually gay, everyone," Alex mumbled, "dead hard, me. Yeah."

There was still silence.

A sudden movement caught Alex's eye. It was Gene grabbing Skyler's hand and weaving their way out of Luigi's. "C'mon, Sky," he muttered, "let's get away from this messed-up poofter!"

Alex didn't even bother to shout out for him. Skyler had got between her and Gene, and now she had got between Ray and Gene too.


	12. Unraveling the Crime

Ray couldn't help but feel annoyed when Alex told him what happened in Luigi's. Back at CID the next morning, hushed whispers were flitting around and secret glances were being directed at Alex, whom everyone obviously thought was Ray. The news that Raymondo was a gay copper had spread around the division faster than anyone had anticipated, but Ray knew it wasn't really Alex's fault. They were in this together, and they were going to figure out what Skyler was up to and protect the Guv.

Luckily, there had been huge improvements on the crime front to take Ray's mind off the fact that everyone now thought he was gay. CID had managed to catch and get into custody the four remaining members of Jackson's Army. With photographic evidence from one of their witnesses, these four men could be clearly seen fleeing the scene of the crime with the arrested three others.

Ray was in the interview room (as Alex) with Gene interviewing Tim Franks, a man in his early thirties with blonde hair and grey eyes.

"We bloody know its you, so own up!" Gene thundered. "We have photographic evidence sonny, so if you want to make life easy on yerself you'll bloody confess!"

"All right!" Tim burst out. "I'm in on it, all right? I'm a member of Jackson's Army. But it ain't just me! And we ain't to blame!"

"What do yer mean, 'you ain't to blame'?" Gene scoffed. "You blew up a building! You and your little gang nearly killed a bunch o' posh toffs and my esteemed lady colleague 'ere along with my Detective Sergeant! So how the bloody 'ell do you figure that you ain't to blame?"

Tim remained silent. Gene sighed, getting annoyed. "DI Drake, I believe some o' your psychiatric bollocks is in order."

_Shit_, Ray thought, _right, what does Drake do? She's a psychic, ain't she? So act psychic…_

"Well," Ray coughed, "it's…it's clear that…well…well it's clear that something's making you uncomfortable, because you're bloody sitting like a poof who needs a piss and your eyes are darting all over the place. You are to blame, but you don't think you are. So you're clearly messed-up in the 'ead, thinking someone else deserves the punishment."

Gene stared at Ray in disbelief. Ray was looking rather smug, but then his grin vanished when he saw Gene's face.

"That's not bloody profiling, Drake," Gene gawped, "that's just you sounding pissed and insulting the bastard."

"Oh…er…" Ray panicked. But he didn't need to worm his way out, because he was interrupted by a gruff voice.

"No…she's right."

Gene and Ray whipped round to stare at Tim. "What?" Gene said bluntly.

Tim closed his eyes, as if in agony. "We…Jackson's Army…we're not alone. There's someone bigger. A duo. A dangerous double-act and they're…"

"They forced you to blow up Rothmore House?" Ray butted in.

"Not forced," Tim corrected him, "they…they offered us a huge sum of money to blow it up. Jackson's Army couldn't turn it down. But we never got the money, because we got caught."

"Well who are these two twats?" Gene pressed him. "Then they can 'ave a jolly old tea-party with you and your Jackson's Army mates in a nice comfy cell."

"We don't know their names," Tim gulped, "but it's a man and a woman."

"Oh, great!" Gene exclaimed, his voice heavy with sarcastic optimism, "let's go an' round up the whole o' London, Bolls. A man and a woman. Bloody yes."

"There's more," Tim said desperately, "the man's some sort of doctor or surgeon. He works at the hospital. And the girl's blonde. Younger than him. Curly hair."

Ray saw the colour visibly drain from Gene's face. The doctor meant nothing to them, but the blonde woman with curly hair did. There was only one woman they had come across so far who had information on the crime scene, had provided no helpful evidence and had blonde curls.

Skyler May.

* * *

Gene burst into CID with Ray on his tail.

"Right boys and girls, round up Skyler May!" he barked angrily.

"What, Guv?" Alex grinned, looking a bit too happy.

"She's a top suspect for the masterminds behind the blowing up of Rothmore House, Ray," Gene said reluctantly, "and the worst thing is, you were bloody right! Since when are you ever right? What the bleedin' hell's happening to the country?"

Alex forced back a smile. "Dunno, Guv. The old Raymondo isn't as dumb as he looks!"

There was a scrabble of phones as everyone tried to get hold of Skyler to call her in. Alex couldn't hold back a smirk as she watched Gene throw darts angrily at his wall, most likely thinking of Skyler's face on it.

"Guv, she doesn't seem ter be anywhere," Chris piped up, "she's not answering her home phone or yours. She ain't turned up for work either, says her boss."

"Shall we search the area, Guv?" Alex asked. "I could go with DI Drake in a car?"

"Yeah, whatever," Gene dismissed them, turning his nose up at the thought of Alex and Ray in a car together, "just no shaggin'. I want Skyler bloody May caught and back here within the hour."

"Yes, Guv," Alex smiled happily, tapping Ray and exiting CID with him. When she got her body back, she could sense things were going to look up…

------------------

"Ma'am, will you stop bloody skipping. There are windows! The bastards will be looking!"

Alex laughed and approached the car they were going to be driving. "Sorry, Ray. It's just about time that Skyler got what was coming to her. I'm glad Gene's finally seen sense."

"Yeah, I bet you are," Ray winked as Alex blushed, "you like the Guv, don't yer, Ma'am?"

"Of course I do. He's my DCI, it comes with the contract."

"Na, I mean you _like him _like him," Ray sniggered, "yer can't fool me. Or the rest o' CID. Just do me a favour and don't go making the moves on him until yer back in your own body. I'm already supposed to be gay, I don't need that complicating things."

Alex laughed out loud. "Don't be silly, Ray. There's nothing between me and Gene –"

But then, before Ray or Alex could get in the car, four men came out of nowhere. One grabbed Ray round the waist, pinning his arms to his side and covering his mouth with the other hand. Ray struggled viciously, but was no match for the strong man whilst in Alex's body. Alex meanwhile was kicked and beaten by two of the other men, landing on the floor with a sickening thump as she was punched.

"Fight back!" Ray shouted, muffled. "C'mon, you're in my bloody body! Fight the scumbags! I'm tough, I'm 'ard, do you have _any _idea what this _looks _like? And help me, yer dozy –"

"Let's get out of here, and take the mouthy bitch!" the fourth man sneered, jumping into the car Alex and Ray were going to look for Skyler in. The man holding Ray suddenly bundled him in the back of the car and jumped in after, closely followed by the last two who had succeeded in beating a defenceless Alex. One climbed in the passenger seat and the other got in the back with Ray. Then, leaving Alex shaking on the floor, cut, bleeding and crying, the car screeched and drove off.


	13. The True Feelings

Gene couldn't have been on the case any quicker. The minute Shaz had found a bleeding "Ray" battered on the street corner and they learnt that "Alex" had been kidnapped; the whole of CID was on the search. Gene's Bolly was in danger, and that wasn't acceptable in his books. Unknown to him it was actually Ray who had been kidnapped, but Alex didn't really feel that this was the time to correct him on that.

"Guv!" Gene snatched up the radio as he drove the Quattro.

"Right talk to me, Christopher!" he barked urgently.

"The police car Ray and Ma'am were going ter use has been spotted near the old warehouse by the docks! It's CID registered!"

"Well move it, then!" Gene roared, speeding up himself. "DI Drake's in danger, not out on 'er morning walk!"

Alex stared at Gene from the back seat. She had been bandaged and bathed by Shaz and refused to be left at CID. Ray was in danger, and so was her body. Alex noticed that Gene's eyes were full of fear as he screeched round the corners, desperate to get to the warehouse.

"Whoa, slow down, Guv!" Alex winced as her bruises banged into the car door.

"I will not bloody slow down!" Gene thundered, swerving in and out of cars. "Some bastards 'ave got Alex…they could be doin' anything to her…"

"You really care," Alex whispered, but not quiet enough to go unheard.

"Of course I bloody care yer great poof!" Gene spat angrily, skidding to a halt outside the warehouse. Armed Response were there, warning Gene off.

"Give it a minute!" one of them called to him. "They could have bombs! These are the ones that ordered Rothmore House to be blown up, after all."

"You've got one minute," Gene rasped, stepping out of the Quattro with Alex following him. "Bolly's in there…"

Tears formed in Alex's eyes as she nursed the wounds on Ray's tough body. "I thought you didn't care."

Gene stared hard at her.

"You thought I didn't care? Listen 'ere, and don't you dare repeat this, Sergeant. I've nearly lost Alex way too many times, Ray. I even lost 'er to you. But I am not gonna let that happen again. Alex is the only person who's ever made me want to try harder, to be a better copper. She drives me absolutely insane, she spouts psychiatric crap, she wiggles her arse at every bloke within two meters, she's a loopy fruitcake and bloody posh tart. But I tell you one thing, Ray. She's my posh tart. She may not know it yet, but I'm determined to make 'er see. I'm fed up wi' playing games now. Her messin' around with you and me messin' around with Skyler; it proved nothing. The only time I ever really realise just how much the tarty fruitcake does mean to me is when she ain't here. Well, Bolly's strong. And I ain't letting her go without a fight."

Tears spilled from Alex's eyes. "Oh, oh Gene!"

She couldn't control it. Forgetting her pain, she threw herself at Gene and kissed him full on the mouth. It would have been a lovely moment, but she had forgotten one tiny detail…

Gene shoved Alex off him in alarm.

"WHAT – THE – FUCK?" Gene yelled, his face screwed up in pure horror and his eyes wide. "What the…that didn't just happen…that so didn't just happen…I didn't just kiss a bloke…shit…_shit_…"

"Oh my God, I'm sorry!" Alex gasped, covering her mouth. "I forgot…oh _no_…oh Gene, I'm sorry, is there anyway I can make it up to you?"

"JUST DON'T KISS ME!" Gene begged, wiping his mouth in disgust. "Why don't you…just get back there."

"Gene," Alex breathed, "I have to tell you something. I'm –"

"Yes I know you're a bloody gay poofter, Raymondo, I think we've established that."

"No! Gene. I'm not who you think I am. I'm –"

But the rest of Alex's sentence was cut off by a large rustle. It was Chris' voice coming through on the radio.

"Guv! You better go in! Armed Response says they saw four men with DI Drake, forcing her into the smallest room on the top floor! But they spotted bomb equipment, so you've got to be fast!"

"I'm on it, Chris!" Gene roared. "Raymondo, let's move! NOW!"

------------------

Ray was chained to a drain pipe in the warehouse, struggling viciously. The room was bright, with the light flooding in from the windows and broken walls.

Suddenly, one the doors burst open. Ray's jaw dropped. It was Skyler May and Doctor Marsh. Doctor Marsh from the hospital, where Ray first noticed the body swap. Was this the way out?

"Hello again, Alex Drake." Clearly it was not.

"Marsh," Ray spat, "and bloody Skyler May. Knew you were a stupid tart who couldn't be trusted." But then, Ray was stopped abruptly by a sharp slap connecting with his face. Marsh looked pleased with himself.

"You have a very pretty face, my dear, but I do wish you wouldn't open your mouth," Marsh said venomously, "unless it's for my pleasure."

"You dirty son of a –"

A backhander split Ray's lip and he winced in pain. Skyler laughed cruelly as Marsh approached Ray, getting way too close. His hand reached out lecherously as he grabbed Alex's body's left breast and gave it a vicious squeeze. Ray's eyes widened in alarm as Marsh's face loomed into his own.

_Whoa, uncomfortable! _Ray thought desperately. _And this sicko is really invading my personal bubble…_

"Enjoy breathing whilst you can, sweetheart," Marsh sneered, tracing Ray's face with his fingertips, "because in ten minutes, you're going to be blown to kingdom come. Rothmore House didn't go up in cinders, Skyler's spell on Hunt has broken…so this is the perfect way to make our statement."

_Right you bastard, you're asking for this, _Ray thought angrily, _how dare you treat Alex's body like this…this is gonna bloody hurt!_

And with that thought, Ray brought his knee up forcefully and kneed Marsh in the balls.

"AAAAARRRRGGHHH!" Marsh screamed in agony, collapsing to the floor.

"You stupid bitch!" screamed Skyler. "You're gonna get what's coming to you now!"

"No, Skyler," a booming voice from behind announced, "you are."


	14. At Last

The minute Ray saw Gene Hunt standing at the doorway he knew everything was going to be okay. Alex was armed behind him along with Chris and Armed Response. Six officers from Armed Response were holding down the four men that had ambushed Alex and Ray – so now it was just between Gene, Skyler and Marsh.

Noticing how quickly their plan was going wrong, Marsh scrambled to his feet and grabbed Ray by the hair, thrusting a gun into his temple.

"Nobody move!" screeched Marsh. "Or this slag gets it!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER!" Gene thundered, his face a picture of pure anger. Skyler stood in the middle looking from Gene and the officers to Marsh and Ray, quite unsure of what to do.

"Guv, shouting isn't going to solve anything!" Alex hissed from behind Gene. "You need to be reasonable!"

"Thank you, Raymondo, but I believe Bolly 'ere is the psychiatric expert so if you don't mind!" Gene snapped back.

"As lovely as this little talk is," sneered Skyler, "this might be a good time to mention to you tossers that you haven't really got the time."

Silence echoed throughout the room, and that's when they heard it. The faint sound of ticking. And ticking meant…

"A bomb!" Ray bellowed. "They've got a bleedin' bomb, hurry up and get me out of here!" Panic erupted. Armed Response were shoving the four men down the stairs and out of the building and Chris was hot on the tails of Skyler and Marsh who had legged it. Gene and Alex ran to Ray's side and began to loosen the chains hurriedly.

"If we make it out of here alive, we're bloody killing those twats!" Ray fumed.

"Glad you feel the same way, Bolls," Gene smirked.

"Will you two just shut up!" Alex panicked. "Who knows how long we have before that thing goes off?"

The chains clattered to the floor and Gene pulled Ray up. "Then I'm not waiting to do this then," Gene decided, putting his hand behind Ray's head and leaning in for a kiss…

"WHOA, GUV!" Ray yelled. "Erm…let's wait, yeah? Please?"

"Just move!" Alex ordered as she, Ray and Gene all clattered down the stairs. Catching sight of Armed Response, the four arrested men and Chris outside, she Alex knew everyone was out apart from them. And Skyler and Marsh, but she didn't really care if they got blown up after everything that had happened.

Gene bashed through the front door of the warehouse and got as far away as he could, but before Alex could follow him, Ray grabbed her.

"Ma'am…what if…what if this is it?"

"What?" Alex shrieked, panicking more by the second.

"BOLLY! RAYMONDO! GET YER ARSES OVER 'ERE! YOU CAN BLOODY SNOG LATER!" Gene hollered.

"An explosion," Ray stressed, "that's what caused this, ain't it? Me becoming you and you becoming me. The Rothmore House explosion caused it…so what if this is the way back?"

"What if this is the way to _die_?" Alex spat hysterically. "I'm not going back in there, Ray! No way!"

"Trust me on this," Ray begged, "please, Ma'am. Alex. C'mon."

Alex stared at him. She had been in Ray's body for over a week now. She'd had to deal with Ray making her striptease, CID thinking she was giving Ray hand jobs, Gene thinking she was together with Ray and so much more. Maybe it was time to take a chance. Maybe it was time to swap back.

"Okay," Alex muttered, offering Ray her hand, "but you better be right or I am haunting you forever in the afterlife."

"You're on," Ray smiled, taking her hand as they ran back to the warehouse.

"YOU BLOODY NUTCASES; WHAT YER DOING?" screamed Gene. But it was too late. Alex and Ray barged back into the warehouse that was now echoing with ticks. Panic began to overwhelm Alex as she started to hyperventilate.

"Hey, I've got you," Ray whispered, "it's gonna be all right, Alex. We're in this together."

All Alex managed was a brief smile before that terrifying roar of an explosion deafened their ears. Alex and Ray were thrown backwards with the force of the bomb as the warehouse began to crumble around them, Alex's hand squeezing Ray's before they both blacked out and were covered in the debris. The last thing they heard was Gene's bellows of emotion.

-----------

Alex's eyes opened groggily to the feeling of broken ceiling being lifted off her and the urgent voices of CID and Armed Response.

"Alex…Alex…no…please…Alex…"

Alex gasped. She never thought she'd hear Gene beg. Ever. And just then, she became aware of Gene's arms wrapped around her body.

"You bloody crazy woman!" Gene hissed. "Nearly got yerself killed Bolly! Dippy tart…"

"Gene," Alex mumbled, hugging the reassuring bulk of him. It was only when she brushed the fringe out of her eyes that she noticed.

"Oh my God!" Alex shrieked, breaking apart from Gene. She looked around madly for Ray, who was being sat up by Chris with a look of pure glee on his face. "We're back, Ray! You amazing, amazing man!"

"That's me, Ma'am," Ray grinned, giving her a wink, "you have no idea how good it feels ter…erm, yeah." Ray stood up hurriedly as he brushed himself down, trying to look hard and restore some of his reputation.

"Ray, you're officially my hero," Alex beamed. She got up hurriedly and dashed towards Ray, embracing him in their first ever hug. Ray smiled as he hugged his DI back. Things were definitely going to change for the better in their friendship now. She was no longer his slutty DI with a big mouth…she was his friend.

Gene frowned in utter confusion. "I'm the one who dived in 'ere after yer, Bolls, not that twonk. He was too busy tryin' ter get himself blown up!"

"Gene, I'm back, I'm back, I'm me!" Alex exclaimed shrilly, ending her hug with Ray and pushing off the medics as she leapt forwards and flung her arms around Gene. Gene looked quite confused, but then his face softened into an extremely rare smile as he hugged her back.

"Always gonna be a fruitcake ain't yer, Bolls?" he smirked. "But I wouldn't have it any other way."

**A/N: Sorry about the longer wait! Real life lol :P next chapter is the last!!! Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing and supporting in every way! :D loves xxx**


	15. Together

Two days later it was Sunday, and Alex awoke happily in her own bed and her own body once again. The weekend had been an absolute riot – Ray had had to come up with some convincing story to reassure everyone that he wasn't gay (which resulted in pretending he had placed a £500 bet with some bloke that he could act gay for a length of time), but now the boys of CID were insisting that drinks were on their loaded Detective Sergeant for a month. Marsh and Skyler had both been arrested and were facing their court case in a few days time with a very slim chance of escaping without charges. It looked as if those two would be facing prison for a very long time. And in addition to this, Alex and Gene were finally starting to rebuild their relationship.

Unfortunately, Gene was still hesitant about Alex where Ray was concerned. He didn't completely believe her that nothing was going on between her and Ray, but after the situation in the toilets and many more episodes during the body swap, Alex could understand where he was coming from. However, today was the day that it was all going to change.

----------

Alex picked up the phone after she had showered and began to dial. It rang countless times until it went onto voicemail.

_Where is he? _Alex thought, listening to that annoying woman who told you how to use voicemail. Finally, the tone beeped and Alex inhaled quickly before she left her message. _Be cool_, she told herself.

"Hi, Gene," Alex breathed, "erm…well, you're obviously not in…(_of course he's not in, stupid!_)…so I'll ring you back later. Okay. Yeah. Bye."

Alex clicked the phone down, frustrated with her lack of stunning conversation. Then she slapped her forehead. She had forgotten to say who she was!

"Shit," Alex spat, picking up the phone again. Once again it hit voicemail. "Hi again. Just wanted to let you know that it was me who called you a minute ago. Right. Bye."

Putting the phone down again, Alex was seething with herself for sounding so needy. Then she actually wanted to kick herself.

"Arrghhh!" Alex screamed. "How the hell's he going to know who _me_ is?!"

Alex's hands flew to phone for what she hoped would be the last time.

"Just in case you wanted to know who 'me' was," Alex groaned desperately as the voicemail once again beeped, "it's me. Alex. Anyway…"

"I know who it is, Bolls," Gene chuckled as he answered the phone and lifted it off voicemail, "there's only one woman in the entire world that's nutty enough to leave me three messages like these…"

"Oh! Gene!" Alex blushed, trying to compose herself. "Oh shit…why didn't you answer?" _It would have saved me all that embarrassment, you bastard…_

"Was takin' a piss, Bolls," Gene said cheerily, "you really do pick yer moments, don't yer? Dippy tart."

Alex smirked. Then she took a deep breath to ask him…

-------

Alex looked in the mirror that late afternoon and was pleased with what she saw. Her hair was shining beautifully and her makeup was light but enhanced her features. She wore her favourite tight jeans and the top Ray had chosen to wear on their first entrance to CID as each other; she knew it was possibly Gene's favourite. After the embarrassing phone calls, Alex had managed to get a coherent sentence out and asked Gene to come over that evening. Nothing formal, she just needed to see him and talk to him properly. And explain. Plus, she really hoped that this could get their friendship back on track, or maybe even develop it into something more…

There was a loud thump on Alex's door. Her heart leapt. Opening it, all six feet of Gene Hunt appeared.

"Bolls," Gene nodded, waltzing in without an invitation. He settled himself on the sofa, poured himself a drink and watched Alex as she closed the door and walked over to him, sitting on the opposite side of the sofa.

"So then Lady Bolls, why do you require my expertise?" Gene smirked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Alex laughed.

"I just needed to straighten everything out," she said slowly, "the last week or so…well…things haven't been what they've looked like."

Gene grunted, images of her and Ray in the toilets flashing into his mind.

"I know its looked bad," Alex said, chewing her lip, "but I just wanted you to know…that I'm not with Ray. Never have, never will be."

Gene snorted. "Ter be honest Bolly, it didn't really look that way ter me."

Alex thought desperately. "I know…I can't really explain it. But I never felt anything for him. I…I just wanted you to know."

"And why's that, Bolls?"

Alex sighed. Christ, he really wasn't making this easy for her. "Because…well, because…"

Gene's eyes were still downcast. Alex knew there was only one thing for it. Shuffling over so that she was so close to Gene that their legs were touching, Alex gently cupped his face and turned him to face her. Their eyes met, and Alex finally closed the last remaining gap between them as she placed a tender, loving kiss right on his lips. After a moment, they opened their eyes and moved apart slightly.

"I wanted you to know, Gene, so that I could do that without looking like a two-timing tart," Alex smiled weakly, not moving her hand from Gene's face. Her smile widened when she saw one of the first genuine smiles appear on his face, and before she knew it, he had connected their lips again with a more passionate kiss, tongues exploring each other's mouths as they succumbed to each other. Gene's hand reached around Alex's waist to pull her closer, never breaking the kiss as she ran her fingers through his hair. They kissed for what seemed hours until they broke apart once more.

"You know now that if any bloke so much as looks at you in the wrong way, they're gonna get a bollocking?" Gene smirked.

Alex laughed out loud before kissing him again. "I wouldn't expect anything less of you, Gene Hunt."

Gene smiled as he pushed her back on the sofa passionately. "Now then, Bolly No-Knickers," he winked, "you gonna prove to me just how much more you prefer yours truly to Raymondo?"

Alex laughed again. "Oh yes Gene, indeed I am!"

**A/N: Ta-daaaaaaaaa! OMG I cant believe its over :'( lol I really, really, really hope you guys enjoyed reading this and thank you all SO MUCH for reading, reviewing, adding to your favourites etc. It really means a lot, and I may write another Ashes fic soon so keep an eye out (: much love to everyone xxxx**


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